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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…