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Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.