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My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.