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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.