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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.