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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.