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I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
No way Iām the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
Personally, I think failure should be an option
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.