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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)