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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.