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I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers