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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball