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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)