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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.