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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.