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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....