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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.