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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?