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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.