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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I`m never free but I`m available.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?