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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…