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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.