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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I need more people like me in my life
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime