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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?