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Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like Iād be pretty good at that.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I make a great second impression.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.