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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.