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Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.