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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?