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!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.