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Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk