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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.