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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.