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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.