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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My whole life is based on a true story...
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.