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Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you