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It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.