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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Is glad Christmas is near i sure need new coloring books and crayons ..
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"