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Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry