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I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.