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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.