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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.