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"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her