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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.