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Before the internet I used to like people.
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."