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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(