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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...