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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.