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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"