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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.