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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.