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The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.