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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?