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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?