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Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.