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My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Iām over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies Iām going to pay with.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.