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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Hard butter is the devil.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.