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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.