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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
I just awesomed all over the place.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.