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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun