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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
If the shoe fits, buy it.